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Quotes/Sayings:
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't!"
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
Carrot Top
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen
"An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order."
Mike Barfield
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller
"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in."
Rita Rudner
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
-- Ernst Jan Plugge
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE!
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno
Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
I'm only a bitch on the days that end with Y
"Hate me coz u hate me, not coz you aren't me"
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it
"Dream as if you'll live forever... Live as if you'll die tomorrow"
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture
"If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long ?"
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
(Barbara Bush - Former US First Lady)
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
(Sharon Stone)
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
(Courtney Cox - Monica on "Friends")
I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
(Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead)
Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
(Robin Williams)
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
(Billy Crystal)
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
(Rod Stewart)
"I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."
Homer Simpson
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey!
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
I still miss my ex but my aim is improving!
We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks your an asshole
When I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I go up to that persons door and ring the doorbell. When they answer the door I'm gone. But whats there is a jack o lantern with a knife in the side of it and a note saying YOU. After that I usally feel alot better. And look: No harm's been done.
If you're robbing a bank and your pants suddenly fall down I think its ok to laugh. And letthe hostages laugh too. Because come on, life is funny.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience!
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. Steven Wright
On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
(Bruce Willis - On the difference between men and women)
And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.
(George Burns)
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
(Dustin Hoffman)
"I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing."
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead."
Woody Allen.
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."
--Steven Wright
No one is listening until you make a mistake
"You know you're in love when reality is better than any dream"
There are 3 kinds of people- Those who can count and those who can't
"I'm an angel honest... The horns are just there to hold the halo up"
You're just jealous coz the voices are talking to me and not you
A day with sunshine is like,night
"Just becuase i'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating!"
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Death is heritary
Don't piss me off...I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
Double your drive space. Delete Windows
For sale- Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done already
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser"
My idea of homework is to sweep the room with a glance
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
"In the beginning there was nothing, then god said 'let there be light' and there was still nothing but u could see it."
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away 3 weeks before you need it
"If you're drinking apple juice and it's warm, odds are it ain't apple juice
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes
I'm on a seafood diet, every time i see food, I eat i."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if yo've got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before u do the wash!"
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men ae having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem--J Leno
"Why does Sea world have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger when i realise, oh mi god...I could be eating a slow learner!!"
"If swiming is so good for your figure, how do u explain whales?"
"You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice"
"I have pms and a gun...Now what were u saying?"
"Gravity doesn;t exist...the earth SuCkS!"
"I got a dog and named him 'stay'. Now, I go 'Come her stay'. After awhile te dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."
"I'm not into working out.My philosophy: NO pain, NO pain!"
"I'm blonde...What's your excuse?"
" How can i miss you if you won't go away?"
"The way i see it is that the more people who hate me, the less people I have to get along with."
"I'm special, you're not, GET OVER IT!!"
Don't drink and drive...you might spill you drink
"My mum told me that she learned to swim when someone took her out into the river and threw her off the boat. I said 'mum, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim!" lol
Funny (and corny) Pickup Lines
Wanna Play Army?You Lay Down I'll Blow the hell out of you!
I lost my teddy bear, Can i sleep with you tonight?
I can't find my bed, Can i share yours?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Grass is green,The sun is gold i'll get on my knees and do as i'm told!
Lets Play Titanic,You say iceburg i'll go down!
Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Pocahontus? v Tell Your Pants its Rude to point!
I may not be fred flinstone but i can sure make your BEDROCK!
u must be a broom cuz baby u just swept me off of my feet!
your like a box of lucky charms,magically delicious
HoPe YoU LiKeD ThEm!!**!!**!!
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