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Don't eat rocks
(even if you are out of food)
Don't take naps in the road.
(you can't be THAT tired!)
Don't stroke fires with your fingers.
(there NOT pets?)
Don't throw a brick straight up.
(OR don't throw one at all!)
Don't breathe car exhaust.
(unless your intentions are fatal)
If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a
firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
(in fact, don't even MEET the president!)
For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
(yea, cuz they work better)
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
(how about we avoid them all together?)
Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal
fishing rods as pointers.
(let's just stick to looking out the window...)
The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
(no matter how "yummy" it may look)
If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction
you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in
front of it and grab hold as it passes.
(they don't let you out of the mental hospital easily after that!)
If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the
heat, don't do it with your head.
(um, did the thought of WALKING to the landlord ever come up?)
Don't flip off the Mafia.
(let's just ignore them, period...)
If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
(why don't you just wait until you get to the bottom...)
Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
(um, how would you reach back there...?)
Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
(or just get one candle...)
Don't shave with a lawn mower.
(yea, don't be a cheapo!buy a razor)
Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
(um, how about we just don't stick anything but cords in the outlets....?)
Although they are sold in grocery stories, batteries are not food. Do not
break them open and drink what's inside.
(unless your the energizer bunny!)
The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
(noooo, it means try it at work in front of your BOSS)
Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
(even if they did shut off your water)
Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
(even if you're in a rush)
The expression "Life in the fast lane" should not inspire you to live in
the road.
(see: DO NOT TAKE NAPS IN THE ROAD)
Don't eat hot coals.
(why would you, they DON'T even LOOK good)
Don't escape in to jail.
(unless you like the food there)
Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
(unless you plan on licking the floor when you get a cough)
Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
(don't kick porcupines!)
Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
(especially in the summer?)
Sell at most one of your kidneys.
(wellll..if it's an emergency...)
Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
(no need to go that far to be with the animals)
Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
(they're not for EATING! they're for HELPING you eat!)
Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
(uh, how about we don't test the strength of our skulls with anything...?)
Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
(suqeeze?)
Don't snap towels at passing cops.
(don't snap towels at all...)
Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
(don't even TOUCH an angry cat!)
Don't lick dry ice.
(unless you plan on getting a new tongue!)
Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side
up.
(why would you even jump on it if it wasn't right side up?)
Don't pour salt in your eyes.
(even if they are a bit bland!)
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
(not even if you want air holes for your brain?)
Don't microwave yourself.
(YOU WON'T TASTE GOOD!!!)
Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
(believe me he won't give you his autograph!)
Don't swallow toothpaste.
(again with the "get food"?)
Don't chew Tylenol.
(what if it's chewable?)
Don't bathe in gasoline.
(it doesn't work that way)
Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
(steer clear of RUMPS!)
Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs,
dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
(unless you think BACTERIA gives it flovour)
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
(good idea)
Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
(unless it's 1996)
Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
(but they look so YUMMY....!)
Don't go swimming in a well.
(if you ever plan on getting out)
Rake leaves, not people.
(people fall off trees...?)
Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
(but I know theres burried treasure in here somewhere!!)
Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective
rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
(now wheres the fun in that)
If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the
seats at schools and movie theaters.
(the little brown specks are dirt, NOT flovour)
Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or
boots.
(oh, don't kick them at all!)
Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window --
use the stairs.
(nomatter how rushed you are)
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's
sufficiently hot.
Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
(WALK ON A CACTUS???)
Elvis is dead. Get over it.
(he's not in Burger King, get over it!!)
Wear clothes.
(really???whole new thing for me)
Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
(red blistery hands AREN'T attractive)
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually
raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
(if you're that dumb, stay away from ball fields)
Don't drink.
(but I'm thirsty)
Don't drive.
(hitchhike!!)
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
(it's not a repacment for your blowdryer)
Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
(new invention, TOOTHBRUSH)
When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
(whow, insight)
When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good
reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around
the barrel.
(DON"T USE BLOW GUNS)
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of
all fences at the zoo.
(if you're that bad, stay away from zoos)
Give me all your money.
(this is my job, it doesn't pay well)
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
(or get someone else to stick them in for you)
Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands
(skin and jam DON'T go together well)
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